Sigh

Well blech. It's been a while since I've posted and there are so many things I want to say, but feel inept to say them. Why? I don't rightly know, to use southern twang, which doesn't sound as good in written word as it does in my out loud voice. I suppose one major reason is that it's that time. Aunt Flo is visiting and I'm not right. Not normal. At. All. Uggh. This takes some explaining. I learned several months ago that I'm going through premature menopause. Or rather Early Ovarian Failure. This was totally and utterly devastating news to me. Now, I've always prided myself in the fact that all my life I've very publicly stated that I never wanted to have any biological children of my own. This is for various reasons, and one that requires a dedicated post, which is not this one. But I have always said, children terrified me, and I felt the world was too populated, so if I decided to have a child, it would be a readymade. That term makes sense to artfolk, and is not intended to be taken in a light manner. I still stand by that statement. However, when one receives information that your body is incapable of procreating, it is devastating. Regardless of one's beliefs. Because at one moment, it is a choice and in another moment, there is no choice at all. I cannot lie and say that I have never wanted to experience the gift of life growing inside of me and bring forth a child that I could corrupt in my image. I just never felt I was in the right place in life to give another being the type of life it deserved to be introduced to. On top of my belief that there are so many other children that exist in this world that are so deserving of good, stable homes that it was too selfish for me to contribute to the overpopulation of this earth and not take care of those that already exist. Anyways, I'm getting off point. This week, I started my period...

The monthly cycle for most women is a natural habitual occurrence with the expected hormonal responses. I, on the other hand, am still trying to figure it all out. I say this because at the peak of my menopause, I had not had a cycle for four months. Meaning that if I had not started taking synthetic hormones, I would have ceased menses all together. So part of me feels like my period is a slap in the face. A subtle reminder that it takes impregnated horse urine (the essential ingredient in hormone replacement therapy and particularly Prempro, which I am on) for me to regulate.  I also feel as though the remaining eggs in my ovaries are giving their last hurrah every time I synthetically menstruate. That with all of the regular symptoms of PMS. Basically, IT SUCKS BALLS!! So I am apathetic for a week. All of my goals and good intentions go straight out the door and I pretty much embrace the "Fuck It" attitude for an entire week. This is not good. Not good at all. It's pretty much a suck fest in my apartment. I work for weeks to motivate myself, exercise, seek daylight, only to have Synthetic Aunt Flo stop by and fuck it all up. I'm bloated beyond all belief, lazy and couldn't give a shit.  WTF!? On the other hand, there are only a couple more days (please, for the love of any of the gods!), so I feel the tides (no pun intended) are a turning.

Anywhoo, expect posts about the shit ton of jobs I've applied to, my general anxiety about life in LA and how bad it sucks to be poor! I'm not a religious person per say, but I do believe that this too will pass. So next time...